Minnesota Humor

I see a lot of those emails that get passed around, making fun of people who live in Minnesota, and I smile because sometimes they are so true. I should know, I lived there for half my life. So in a little tribute to our recent camping & marathon trip "up north", and for a brief but true glimpse of life in Minnesota, here are some of my favorites:

You know you are a true Minnesotan when...

• "Vacation" means going up north past Brainerd for the weekend.
  
• You measure distance in hours.
  
• You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
  
• You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
  
• You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
  
• You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  
• You don't go to bed without watching the weather forecast.

A few quotables from Jeff Foxworthy I felt worth mentioning...

• If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through l8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.
  
• If you’re proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.
  
• If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.
  
• If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Minnesota.

The Skier's Dictionary

After multiple laps trudging up and down the driveway with the snowblower, suffering through two sets of frozen ski hats & wet gloves, and busting the handle on my one and only snow shovel, I thought the injection of a little humor was necessary in order to end my day on a more positive note. So, here is my welcoming gesture to the 10+ inches of fresh powder outside. Enjoy.

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. [See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.]

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. [See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. ]

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:



• Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs.
  
• Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
  
• Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. [See Inertia.]

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:



• Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.
  
• Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
  
• When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

"Ski!": A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.

Now, I'm off to buy a warm pair of snow pants ... and another snow shovel.

A Christmas Story

During this time of year, our household seems to develop a minor obsession for all things Christmas. Christmas music playing, little Christmas villages for the kids to play with, endless varieties of baked Christmas goodies, and colorful Christmas decorations everywhere -- both indoor and out, all thanks to the unceasing efforts of my wonderful wife. But what I also enjoy are the Christmas movies. To me they are just as integral to setting the Christmas mood as everything else.

You can't beat those true classics ... Miracle on 34th Street, Irving Berlin's White Christmas, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, It's a Wonderful Life. Co'mon, you know you tear up a little just watching all of George Bailey's neighbors streaming into his house to give him their pocket change while belting out Auld Lang Syne. And what guy wouldn't relish the opportunity to decorate the exterior of his home as Clark Griswald so famously did with so many lights it would show up on Google's satellite map.

However, my all time hands-down favorite has to be A Christmas Story. Many consider it to have been the tribute of tributes to the original, traditional, one-hundred-percent, red-blooded, two-fisted, all-American Christmas. It was a campy humor hit then that still continues to be to this day. Besides, this classic has some great childhood memories for me for it was this movie my family saw during Christmas of '83 while visiting my sister and her husband in Dallas. I wasn't much older than Ralphie myself at the time, and the thought of an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with compass in the stock under the tree (or something of vaguely similar boy-intrigued value that was sure to "shoot your eye out") was all I could dream of that season. I'm still reminded of the playfullness and the tomfoolery found throughout this movie, especially the scene as Ralphie's friend exhibits a moment of true dim-wittedness when he sticks his tongue to the playground's frozen flag pole after receiving the dreaded "triple-dog" dare. (I've been told one of my younger nephews performed this very stunt himself just this past week, after being goaded into it by his older brother … hmm, I wonder if they saw that movie at my house?)

For those of you who share an affection for A Christmas Story, interestingly the Christmas Story house has since been restored to its movie splendor and is now open year round to the public for tours. In fact, I've heard if you happen to drive by on a cold winter's night, you may notice a curious leg-shaped lamp in the front window.

In all, I've enjoyed this sentimental masterpiece and how it has provided a nostalgic and innocent peek back into a past when kids wouldn't spend countless hours in front of the television or playing video games, but rather would curl up with a couple of good books or daydream of their heroes while listening as the evening's radio drama unfolded. Though I never experienced some of these long-ago traditions myself, my parents have told us countless tales over the years of wonderful times like these when families shared heartwarming traditions of simple moments spent together. It is my Christmas wish that I share those same memories with my children; something I hope they will treasure and share with their own some day themselves.

Oh, I have watched A Christmas Story, along with countless other memorable classics in my collection, multiple times already this season. But what I really cherish are those moments when my kids nestle up on the couch with me to join in yet another showing. Lest I forget that big ol' fashioned bowl of popcorn, they'll remind me rather quick! And many times we'll get a few good, hearty laughs together, and still other times they'll just drift off during the movie and fall asleep in my arms. Yeah, those are the memories I'll enjoy for many years to come.

You see, nothing beats that warm feeling that the holiday and the birth of Jesus our Savior brings. So be sure to create your own Christmas story with your family this year, and enjoy this wonderful season of memories-to-be-made. Oh, and be sure to drink your Ovaltine.

Here's my online gift to you, set to the seasonal music from Trans-Siberian Orchestra (my wife just loves them) ... enjoy!

Running in Snow Motion

Yet again, for the umteenth-time this winter, we've received a generous scoop of both snow and ice in our wintery sundae. Yesterday we intially saw a nice drizzling of rain in our area, but this was quickly followed by about six or more inches of fresh stuff. Suffice it to say, this little mix became quite the thick and heavy component making for a full day of snowblowing and old-fashioned shoveling. Not only did I need to dig my own driveway out more than once, but I teamed up with my brother to tackle both his and our father's as well. So, in exchange for wearing winter boots rather than my running shoes, I'd say I got in a fairly decent workout of around three hours outside overall. Tough wet work, to be honest.

Alright, the good news is that I still got in a "workout". Beings it was slick enough for my four-wheel drive vehicle to spin donuts in the street with apparent ease, I felt it was appropriate that I curtail training for the day. However, activity is still activity nonetheless. According to the Surgeon General's Report on Physical Activity and Health, 15 minutes of snow shoveling actually counts as moderate physical activity. They claim we all should aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate physical activity of some kind on most days of the week during cold winter months. So, for those of us shoveling folk in the midwestern states, as well as a few spotty areas in northern Minnesota - and most of general Alaska, I'll guess we've sufficiently peaked in our cumulative activity totals for the season. Wa-hoo ... now, where's my golden shovel trophy?

The bad news is, I still need some decent aerobic exercise in spite of this weather. Personally, I've sacrificed far too many days to my shovel this winter, and the weatherman just stated there's more on the way. To be honest, I'd much rather be playing outside, rather like the picture above suggests, than clearing snow. But I suppose that doesn't get the job done, does it?

Shoveling snow is decent, strenuous exercise. I truely believe this. However, as many of us know ... it still doesn't beat a good solid run down those local snowy paths. Besides, postponing any running during this season is something I dislike. It's about as disappointing as standing forever in line at the amusement park only to be turned away when the ride operator has you stand next to that funny heighth measurement thingie and tells you you're just a fraction too short. You wait so long to enjoy the thrill, only to have something else delay it. Gosh, maybe I should have kept that treadmill I so hastily rid myself of years ago? Man, I wish spring would get here.

As we wait for our favorite foot trails to thaw, check out this bit of 'outdoorsy' humor to end your day on ... at least I found it humorous when I watched it. Here's hoping for a run tomorrow.

Run hard and run long.

"Run, Fat Boy, Run"

Okay, I'll admit. The title alone made me sit up straight in the theater a few weeks ago and take keen notice. I mean, why wouldn't any movie preview with the word "run" in it's title not entice the typical runner? But, of course, from what we could immediately tell, this wasn't going to be the typical runner movie. Still, I made it a point to see it last night.

"Run, Fat Boy, Run" is a movie about Dennis, a commitment-phobe who leaves his pregnant bride at the altar literally running down the street to get away. We cut to five years later and he's still running, but this time running after shoplifters as a low level security guard for a women's clothing store. He still pines for his ex and longs to be more of a hero to his son, but that is increasingly difficult as she has taken up with Whit (Hank Azaria) ... a well-to-do, muscular, all too perfect suitor who runs marathons. “Why would you want to do a thing like that?” is Dennis' reaction to that last bit.

Already consumed with remorse and now faced with losing Libby for good, Dennis has to prove something to her, to himself and to that wiener. It's something about responsibility and finishing things. And what better way to prove to Libby that he can get his life together - than by running in the local London marathon - the same race Libby's new beau is training for. But his noble ambitions to run 26.2 miles are obviously offset by his drawbacks ... such as, he smokes, he drinks, he’s out of shape, he’s lazy, he’s immature, etc. Predictably, a spirit of competition begins between Dennis and Whit, and soon enough, Dennis is attempting to beat Whit at his own game: running. What follows is a slapstick plot filled with training montages and the shopworn story of a schlub trying to fix his life by proving himself in a sporting event ... in this case, the marathon.

In spite of the wacky physical humor found in the training scenes and the cliche English comedy as Dennis stumbles through mile upon mile of the marathon trying to right the wrongs he once set, I felt it was extremely likable and a touch heartwarming by film's end.

You're likely wondering how such a lark of a movie, which hasn't seen many favorable reviews as yet, could possibly provide any meaningful metaphors for life. I suppose much of its impact comes from its images of Dennis running and its conviction that there’s a difference between running toward something and running away. It goes to show us that to achieve takes determination, takes drive. Moreover, it shows us that there is a lot of truth to getting your life together through the use of running. That the pain and fatigue you endure is worth the eventual goal.

More than likely, I'm just like other runners who like to watch movies about things I enjoy doing. Besides, it's hard to pass up a movie about a runner. And tiny running shorts on a dude are the comedy gift that keeps on giving.